May 15, 2023
I never imagined a day where I didn’t have my Mom in person or on the other end of the phone. It wasn’t something that really crossed my mind. That changed March 6, 2023. Her diagnosis with stage 4 lung cancer was a crushing blow to life as I knew it. We didn’t know it then but we only had two months left with this beautiful soul. No one prepared me about how I would feel being left behind, which I can confidently say, SUCKS!
In the two months since she left this earth the emotions have been like a roller coaster. Up and downs with twists and turns that come out of no where. I have had days where the tears just start flowing and I am uncontrollably crying and just can’t stop. Then there are days that I hold it together. But there is never a day that I don’t think about her. Her smile, words of wisdom, her hugs. The pain and sadness doesn’t seem to go away. It truly is a numbing feeling.
I jumped right back in to work and what was my daily routine but I found myself struggling daily to make her proud. I feel I fail her at times but there are just days I can’t get it all together. I know she would say on those days be kind to yourself you have a lot going on in your life. I also know she would also say get up and go do whatever it is that you have to do in order to get it done and be happy. However the sadness of her not here sends me to sit and stare at the world and say “What the fuck??”
This weekend is Mother’s Day AND her 76th birthday. Double whammy. It’s a day to celebrate being a Mom which I am and another trip around the sun for my Mom. This year, bittersweet! So many firsts. So many more to come. These emotions that you go through are rough. I know my heart is broken with her not here anymore. I will always have this void. Whether I’m immersed in my daily activities managing to checking all my boxes or finding myself in the next moment in some far away place in my mind just making it through.
So this year on the first Mother’s Day and her birthday without her, I am making the trip to be with my Dad. It’s the first time I’ll see him since we lost my Mom. I can’t imagine the emptiness he feels on a daily basis and I am certain his pain is just as great if not more. They were married for 54 years this month. It will be another first without her. I am looking forward to hanging out with him. He has always been a very simple man but a very proud and strong man. So we can just sit in the garden that he and my mother loved to work in daily because it brought them much joy, or drive to the post office or go for a walk. I’ll make him his favorite cake and we can celebrate Mom together.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mom’s. May it be as special as you are Mom. You are missed more than you can imagine. ❤️
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